nightie crappie

i tried to sleep. guess i couldnt. maybe because this mind is full of unresolved questions. i dont know. i tried to recall today. but my mp4 irritates me. cant blame it. no radio station could put a song that i really wanted to hear anyway. so i switched to my collection of songs. i stopped at "fall for you". why? i dont know. maybe because of what the song reminds me of. maybe because of this particular sentence. "talk is cheap" maybe. maybe because i just like secondhand serenade's songs. i got a whole lot of their songs in my mp4 anyway. and i like "awake" best. i wonder why i love hearing songs so much. maybe because some lines just connects to me. but lately i think, the songs i hear just speaks for me things i want to express but i never succeed in doing. like "walking disaster" by sum 41 and "hands down" by dashboard confessional. maybe some bits of "thinking of you" by katy perry. and this nasyid song by raihan, "sesungguhnya".
i tried recalling today again. it's like watching some low quality pirated dvds. some parts are slowed down as if i dont want it to end, some parts just pass by as fast as light. its my memory. i guess i put it the way i want it. even if i dont realize it. dinner was fast and slow. slow because all the food i love are laid on the table. why fast? cause while i was eating, i was wondering if the two people in front of me could see through my eyes and tell what im really feeling. it makes me a bad person i think. and i dont want to be bad. but im not perfect too. i get angry too. i have feelings too. and coming back because i have to is very different from if i want to. and when the two people started to find faults in each other, and started finding faults in the other people on the table, it frustrated me in a way. i thought they could read me like a book. but maybe im this book that is full of wordsworth's poetry, especially poems like "nutting" that they dont get me anymore, they just have vague ideas about me.
i tried to shift to another portion of today. a person i thought will never talk to me said hello to me randomly today. and i guess i was too surprised to actually respond appropriately. but since the first time i saw her i think she's unpredictable. yet i admire her for her boldness, to just show herself without worrying of what other people think. thats one thing i can never do. "i know what it feels like to be afraid to show who you are" sam montgomery said in "A Cinderella Story". haha. watched it with belle while waiting for bapak to come pick me up today. i remembered saying how the movie is such a fairy tale, it'll never happen in reality. but i wonder why i always watch this movie, the way i keep watching that peter pan movie. i dont know.
christina and i won because our prediction was right over belle's and shen's. i remembered looking at the person speaking and how that person reminds me of another person who likes the song my mp4's playing now, the song "Home" by Daughtry. if i ever have a wish, maybe id wish that i could say three words. im really sorry. haha, whatever. im writing craps.
and as my sleepy head is crawling back in, i should just mention dayang. dayang's finally chose the male cat for her, dewa. haha. she's so fat now, and not exactly a cat you consider polite. but of all, i really feel sorry for comel. he's getting old now. real old. we tried helping him with his ulcer problem, but he's too old to do anything. he's such a brave cat. i dont care if he's smelly now, but he's still the macho-est cat in the world. :D i remembered that rabbit luqman showed me. theyre so fragile and cute. maybe we'd start keeping rabbits one day. :)
and bapak showed me an article about israel today. why theyre way ahead when the ratio of muslims and jews are like 1: 100+ . i wonder what it feels like to be at Gaza this moment. i think theyre really tough. i dont know if id ever survive such circumstances. and bapak talks about studying hard that one day, maybe, just maybe, we could have the power to be able to influence the course of events in the world. its the knowledge, he says. it comes with power. and with power comes responsibility. and we are responsible of each other.
and i think im gonna sleep with sami yusuf's song reminding me of where i belong.
i free u from my night time craps :p