to ray (i hope you're reading this)

dear abg ray I WANT MY BIRTHDAY PRESENT!

oh

i love you (:

sundays

it's a sunday. i remembered how i used to hate sundays. ironically, now i love sundays. and i wonder where the period of transition started of. it's been the 2nd year now, and i think im healing. i think im starting to enjoy whats around me, and learn to ignore things that bothers me. i think i am content, but im not hostile to changes. i think i am able to accept some things that i just cant change now. and it doesnt hurt like it used to. i think it doesnt hurt me at all the way it used to. i think when that person says "i deserve better" i think i believe in that person now. and i think i should move on. i think it's not wrong to do something stupid once in a while. i find no sin in getting crazy and laughing a lot now. but i think im not getting rid of the memories. ill just keep it where it can speak to me again in the way only i know. through that notes playing in many different tunes, each telling me my own story. i think im afraid of the path i am going to choose. but i think im gonna be okay. i think i shouldnt let anything ruin me at all. and become complietely invincible. can i? i dont know. but i think im gonna try.

nightie crappie

i tried to sleep. guess i couldnt. maybe because this mind is full of unresolved questions. i dont know. i tried to recall today. but my mp4 irritates me. cant blame it. no radio station could put a song that i really wanted to hear anyway. so i switched to my collection of songs. i stopped at "fall for you". why? i dont know. maybe because of what the song reminds me of. maybe because of this particular sentence. "talk is cheap" maybe. maybe because i just like secondhand serenade's songs. i got a whole lot of their songs in my mp4 anyway. and i like "awake" best. i wonder why i love hearing songs so much. maybe because some lines just connects to me. but lately i think, the songs i hear just speaks for me things i want to express but i never succeed in doing. like "walking disaster" by sum 41 and "hands down" by dashboard confessional. maybe some bits of "thinking of you" by katy perry. and this nasyid song by raihan, "sesungguhnya".
i tried recalling today again. it's like watching some low quality pirated dvds. some parts are slowed down as if i dont want it to end, some parts just pass by as fast as light. its my memory. i guess i put it the way i want it. even if i dont realize it. dinner was fast and slow. slow because all the food i love are laid on the table. why fast? cause while i was eating, i was wondering if the two people in front of me could see through my eyes and tell what im really feeling. it makes me a bad person i think. and i dont want to be bad. but im not perfect too. i get angry too. i have feelings too. and coming back because i have to is very different from if i want to. and when the two people started to find faults in each other, and started finding faults in the other people on the table, it frustrated me in a way. i thought they could read me like a book. but maybe im this book that is full of wordsworth's poetry, especially poems like "nutting" that they dont get me anymore, they just have vague ideas about me.
i tried to shift to another portion of today. a person i thought will never talk to me said hello to me randomly today. and i guess i was too surprised to actually respond appropriately. but since the first time i saw her i think she's unpredictable. yet i admire her for her boldness, to just show herself without worrying of what other people think. thats one thing i can never do. "i know what it feels like to be afraid to show who you are" sam montgomery said in "A Cinderella Story". haha. watched it with belle while waiting for bapak to come pick me up today. i remembered saying how the movie is such a fairy tale, it'll never happen in reality. but i wonder why i always watch this movie, the way i keep watching that peter pan movie. i dont know.
christina and i won because our prediction was right over belle's and shen's. i remembered looking at the person speaking and how that person reminds me of another person who likes the song my mp4's playing now, the song "Home" by Daughtry. if i ever have a wish, maybe id wish that i could say three words. im really sorry. haha, whatever. im writing craps.
and as my sleepy head is crawling back in, i should just mention dayang. dayang's finally chose the male cat for her, dewa. haha. she's so fat now, and not exactly a cat you consider polite. but of all, i really feel sorry for comel. he's getting old now. real old. we tried helping him with his ulcer problem, but he's too old to do anything. he's such a brave cat. i dont care if he's smelly now, but he's still the macho-est cat in the world. :D i remembered that rabbit luqman showed me. theyre so fragile and cute. maybe we'd start keeping rabbits one day. :)
and bapak showed me an article about israel today. why theyre way ahead when the ratio of muslims and jews are like 1: 100+ . i wonder what it feels like to be at Gaza this moment. i think theyre really tough. i dont know if id ever survive such circumstances. and bapak talks about studying hard that one day, maybe, just maybe, we could have the power to be able to influence the course of events in the world. its the knowledge, he says. it comes with power. and with power comes responsibility. and we are responsible of each other.
and i think im gonna sleep with sami yusuf's song reminding me of where i belong.
i free u from my night time craps :p

10.5 anniversary

art of candles

belle and arine

adina-varsh-belle

belle shen arine

10.5vers

christina and darsh's back

10.5vers

the perfect couple! hahaha. kidding2 belle..jgn marah :D memain je

the "fall for you" performance

varsh and su chan

the point fivers-10.5 and 11.5

my fave pic. the 100 million dollar smile picture!!

10.5vers

me-belle-shen by the banner amanda did ^_^

yeah.yeah. me..really matching the decorations

shen, amanda, arine. behold the new member of L7

oops. i forgot his name. arine,how could you frgt?his name is syaz!but i know he's really good at playing the keyboard.

10.5 anniversary. one of the craziest night i ever experienced in kyuem. quoting belle, "we were really high" haha. i didnt remember laughing that much for a long time since this anniversary. i like the part where i get to eat a whole lot of lasagna cause the people sitting at my table didnt really eat much :D and belle was extra evil that night. hehe. suke hati je aku kutuk ko kat blog kan belle? :p and yeah we had a great laugh when shen thought that orde kosmos in the invitation card was the theme instead of the venue. and ironically my sweater was all full of stars that night, matching the decoration on the tables and the walls. yeah and belle got an idea of pasting all the decorations all over me. yeah. yeah. i agreed for it in exchange for a LARGE PIZZA :D but i think the 11.5s did a splendid job of organizing the anniversary. it was simple and fun. and there was really good food :) :) and the entertainment was cool too. ^_^ and if it wasnt for amanda, id be going back all the way to the chalet with a big star pasted on my head without me noticing. it was a conspiracy!!! no one said anything..at all!! :p haha. but yeah, it was a great night right? ^_^ cant believe its one year already. and we're reaching the ending..almost. and i guess im saying something i dont think i had in mind one year ago. i think im gonna miss this place, cause its full of all the memories i dont think i wanna forget.

p/s : haha arine.js edit one thing here.sorry for the intrusion.-belle

nine bullets. how many do u shoot?

do you believe that one person can change another person's life..like in a whole lot of ways? i guess i never believed in TRUST. someone used to tell me that if you have nine bullets to shoot, keep one unused cause that might come in handy. yeah i think i have always believed in that. it kinda makes sense. but what if u never thought u can trust beyond that eight bullets, but suddenly someone came around in the most unrealistic way, from somewhere u least expect at all, and u think u cn trust to about eight and a half bullets? haha. right. whatever im crapping. but i guess what im trying to say is that most of the time, u need to keep one extra bullet unused, just to be safe. but i have an addition. it takes a lot to use all nine. almost impossible if its me. but then when u meet certain ppl u can rely on, u just think that maybe, its not about whether ure safe or not anymore, its about the worthiness of taking the risk of using all nine. and what lies ahead may not be another fairy tale where everything ends up right, may be full of mistakes and may hurt, but u dare to risk cause..thats the missing piece of the puzzle. cause i dont know why? and maybe its just not time to think about it just yet. i think im going to try to change my stubborness in some areas of myself this year, and one day, when ive become that person that i think ive always wanted to be, id tell to tht person, tht i owe u cause u made me see, the sunshine behind that dark clouds. :D that u did a lot for making my nine bullets worth ^_^